I’ll admit it. I got distracted. I wandered off the path. I misplaced my list of self-improvement goals. I may have to look for that under the cushions of my couch. It wasn’t a drastic loss of focus. I’m not exactly standing still. Every couple of weeks I’m like, “Sweet! I lost half a pound!” But I’m not in full gallop mode. Or at least I wasn’t. My attitude and energy has changed. Let me tell you how. Sit back. Grab a cup of tea.
It started about a week ago. I was awake at 1AM. Panicked. Troubled. There was dread. Oh, there was dread. I couldn’t shut my mind to the battalions of financial and existential problems facing me. It always happens around this time every year. I think my personal dread gets lazy during the warm months, but then, is revived by the first cool breath of winter. So it was all in front of me like a jigsaw puzzle. And I don’t know how it happened, but I put it together. I saw what was in front of me and I knew how to fix it. First there was the financial quandary. There is no short way to fix it. My boat rests in an ocean of debt. What I was able to do was adjust some of my debts so that the more immediate ones jumped the line. I know that seems like an obvious thing, but most people who are owed money think that they are the first and only priority to the people who owe them. Sometimes you have to raise your fist (and often your middle finger) and say, “Not today, fucker.” That is what I did. And yes, I understand that that doesn’t solve the problem. It just postpones it. This WILL come back to bite me in the ass. I know that. But not today… fucker. Maybe by then, I’ll have another puzzle finished. I hope it has puppies.
So once I got around the money lameness, I moved on to my existential crisis. I’m only a little ashamed to admit that I attach my happiness to things. People and places and moments and, yes, sweet material possessions. I get that joy can come from the deepest, warmest, fuzziest part of your soul and once you hold onto that, then you can accomplish anything and blah blah blah. Give me stuff. Stuff I can see and listen to and hug and experience. When I came out the other side of my lost years (2003-2006) I had nothing. I moved here with no car and very little money saved. I probably could have gotten both if the decision to move here hadn’t had a lifespan of weeks from thought to action. I was on foot for the first year. I flirted with cable. Had a couple of summer romances with internet. But I have free access to both at my job, so I get twitchy about paying for it. This week has made me really miss that stuff. I feel shitty saying it, but those things make me feel like a person. The other things, the people and experiences make me feel like a person of worth. But first I’d like to feel like I belong in the world. Back to what I was saying. My sister, Anna, and her husband have been away for a week and she asked me to house sit. I was thrilled. I get to spend some time in a place with those real things. I get to watch tv shows without having to wait for them to come on dvd. I get to hang out in a neighborhood where there’s very little stabbing. Or, at least they don’t advertise it. It’s been like having sample plate of a better life. It’s given me a real focus. I suppose that’s the good thing about being a person who likes stuff. Having it in front of you without owning it puts your wants and needs into perspective. I’ve busted my ass this week getting myself ready for a transformation that will last. I got a new phone, a new bank account, some little things that I’ve wanted for a while. I paid a few bills early. And it helped my view of things. Yes I am less excited about my job or my dumb little apartment in this dumb town, but I walk right past that shit. I do the things I have to do until I don’t have to do them. There is an open door out there somewhere. Or a series of open doors. Time to start walking through them.
