Also since I’ve become addicted to Twitter, I will be tweeting a lot that night as we watch.  So anyone interested has only to follow my action to know how things are going from my limited view.

Again, I haven’t seen a lot of these so I’m just gonna wing it.

Best Picture

The Artist 
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
War Horse

(I don’t know.  I just think it’s time an Alexander Payne movie took the big cookie.)

Actor in a Leading Role

Demián Bichir (A Better Life)
George Clooney (The Descendants)
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)
Brad Pitt (Moneyball)

(I really wanted to vote for Gary Oldman.  I have been a fan of his talent, if not his right wingyness, for years.  But gosh darn it if Clooney didn’t win me over with his folksy charm.)

Actor in a Supporting Role

Kenneth Branagh (My Week with Marilyn)
Jonah Hill (Moneyball)
Nick Nolte (Warrior)
Christopher Plummer (Beginners)
Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close)

(I love these nominees.  Huge Branagh fan even when he does shit, and Jonah Hill was fantastic in Moneyball.  But it’s time for Plummer.  He was great in Beginners.)

Actress in a Leading Role

Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)
Viola Davis (The Help)
Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn)

(I think Streep will get it.  I would be happy with Williams winning, but I have to go with Rooney Mara.  I can’t not support someone so punk.)

Actress in a Supporting Role

Bérénice Bejo (The Artist)
Jessica Chastain (The Help)
Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)
Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)
Octavia Spencer (The Help) 

(I know what you are thinking.  “Oh, Shawn voted for the super-hot one ’cause he’s a dude and they make all their judgements from the downstairs area.”  That isn’t the case.  I thought “The Help” was syrupy and, while it definitely had some dark and dangerous aspects to it, it resorted to fluffy too often.  Chastain played a pretty basic character, but she made some tremendous, deliberate choices.  Choices that seperated her from anyone else that would have played that.  So there.)

Animated Feature Film

A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

(Any title with the word “Chico” in it gets my vote.) 

Art Direction

The Artist
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
War Horse

(It just looks so pretty.)

Cinematography

The Artist
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
The Tree of Life
War Horse

(Yup.)

Costume Design

Anonymous
The Artist
Hugo
Jane Eyre
W.E.

(The costumes look pretty groovy.)

Directing

Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist)
Alexander Payne (The Descendants)
Martin Scorsese (Hugo)
Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris)
Terrence Malick (Tree of Life)

(I would have liked for Fincher to get a nom, but he didn’t.  And Bennet Miller, who directed Moneyball didn’t either.  So I’m sticking with Scorsese.)

Documentary (Feature)

Hell and Back Again
If a Tree Falls: A Story of the Earth Liberation Front
Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory
Pina
Undefeated

(Didn’t see this one, but I loved the first two.  And it helps that this was finally resolved last year.)

Documentary (Short Subject)

The Barber of Birmingham: Foot Soldier of the Civil Rights Movement
God Is the Bigger Elvis
Incident in New Baghdad

Saving Face
The Tsunami and the Cherry Blossom

(Didn’t see it, but it sounds awesome.)

Film Editing

The Artist
The Descendants
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball

(Fincher movies are always well-edited.)

Foreign Language Film

Bullhead (Belgium)
Footnote (Israel)
In Darkness (Poland)
Monsieur Lazhar (Canada)
A Separation (Iran)

(I’m sticking with my tradition of picking the pony that I can’t pronounce.)

Makeup

Albert Nobbs
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
The Iron Lady

(I barely recognized Glenn Close.)

Music (Original Score)

The Adventures of Tintin
The Artist
Hugo
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
War Horse

(The music is badass.)

Music (Original Song)

Man or Muppet (The Muppets)
Real in Rio (Rio)

(OK.  1. THE MUPPETS.  2. Written by Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords.)

Short Film (Animated)

Dimanche/Sunday 

The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore
La Luna
A Morning Stroll
Wild Life

( I think I just like the phrase, “La Luna.”  It’s magical.)

Short Film (Live Action)

Pentecost
Raju
The Shore
Time Freak
Tuba Atlantic

(I have no idea what it’s about, but I hope it’s a poorly written action adventure.)

Sound Editing

Drive
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

(More Hugo.)

Sound Mixing

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Hugo
Moneyball
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
War Horse

(And more Fincher.)

Visual Effects

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Hugo
Real Steel
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Transformers: Dark of the Moon

(The apes were pretty awesome.)

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

The Descendants
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

(Really liked it.)

Writing (Original Screenplay)

The Artist
Bridesmaids
Margin Call
Midnight in Paris
A Separation

(One of the few I actually watched.  I don’t know if I liked the movie, but it was clever.)

7.  I really am kind of a nerd.  I realize that’s a “duh” statement, but I think this is the first time I’ve really embraced it.  When I was a kid, I was into Star Wars and Star Trek, but I also played and watched football and baseball and commanded the jungle gym.  In junior high, I was still into that stuff, but I was also an angry kid and not a very good student.  In high school, it was easy to consider myself a drama geek, which is a completely different classification of dork.  After that, in my twenties, I began to collect other interests.  I still loved sci-fi and fantasy and roleplaying games, but I was also into high falutin’  independent movies and dramas.  In the last 10 years, I’ve faded away from all the things I loved in my youth and just sort of assumed they were buried.  But they aren’t.  I just haven’t acknowledged them.  Lately, I’ve been putting them front and center where they belong.  I can admit now that few things give me more pleasure than watching people shoot lasers at each other. 

6. I’m never going to have the life back that I had when I was younger and I need to accept that.  I burnt those bridges and lost many of the people who made it special.  My task now is to make my life better than it was.  If then was me having a lot of potential for greatness, now is fulfilling that potential.  Becoming the person I’m supposed to be.  That seems better.

5.  I really love my friends and family.  I know that’s a weird thing to suddenly learn.  I’ve always had a problem with underestimating the value of people.  It’s something I’ve taken notice of.  I am who I am because they are who they are.

4. The human body is a strange thing and, contrary to popular science “facts”, it might be trying to murder us.

3.  If you can’t find, even in the smallest way, forgiveness for the people who hurt you or compassion for them when they are down, then you can’t be better than them.  I’m sure it’s been said by smarter people than me, but that kind of anger is a stone.  If you hold onto it, it will sink you.

2.  Conservative people really, truly scare me.  They do.  I have conservative friends and they happen to be great people, they really are.  But the America they want seems to be a terrible place. 

1.  Everything can change.  Everything.  Financial situations can improve.  Ruts can be exited.  The impossible can become possible.  It doesn’t just happen though.  You really have to make it happen.  Buttons must be pushed.  Levers must be pulled.  Every barrier we face has a secret door in it somewhere if we step back and try to find it.  You can outsmart the darkness.  Everything can change.

I decided to take a different approach to my issues this year.  I tend to use the word “improve” a lot.  I want to “improve” myself emotionally and physically and mentally.  It’s the wrong way to look at it.  So, this year, I am trying to think of myself as a city.  Just hear me out.  Imagine a city.  It’s never really been a beautiful city, but, at one point it was a nice city.  Fun to visit.  I feel like people had a good time when they drove through it.  But now, after years of neglect, the city is a bit run down.  Attendance is down at the city college.  Gangs have taken over the mall.  The mayor is addicted to sniffing glue.  All bad things.  What I need to do is, change those things.  I can’t look at it like some New Agey improvement thing or I won’t do it.  I have to rebuild those parts of the city.  Get the gangs jobs at the local Corndog Shanty.  Kick out the mayor, but get him into a nice treatment program.  And offer better classes at Shawn U.  So how do I do that in terms of reality?  I’m glad I asked.

1. Get in shape.  The three most written words in resolution history.  I just have to do it.  If I see snacks or candy out in the open, I WILL make a beeline for it.  I have to wrestle myself away from it.  I’ve already had a few close calls in the last 24 hours.  So far, just saying, “NO!” as soon as I start walking toward the bad food has helped.  I have also put up pictures of myself from 50 pounds ago all around my apartment.  Sadly, that still wasn’t great shape, but it’s a good start.  I think I’ve done it before, but it will work this time.  I have to believe in the healing power of nostalgia.

2.  Read more.  For some reason, I got really focused on watching dvds last year.  It took me away from books in a major way.  Not sure why, but I seem to have my shit together more when I am constantly reading.  Got to do it.

3. Financially check myself before I wreck myself.  I am ridiculously bad with money.  On the rare occasion when I have a little extra to spend, I will always buy something I don’t need.  This year I would like to go back to having important things to fill up my life and my living space.  Better clothes, higher quality items, the things and objects that should help lure me back into the world.  Notice how I’ve avoided mentioning that I actually have a resolution to be more materialistic?  Oh shit, I just mentioned it.

                                                                 10-1

10. Midnight Vultures (Beck) – I don’t even know where to start.  Beck gets sexy the only way he knows how.  I would say the whole album is a parody of club music and R&B, but it’s so well produced that it isn’t less than the material that it might be poking fun at.  I think it’s just Beck saying, “Here’s what I would say if I was doing this kind of music.  But it IS hilarious.  “Debra” is particularly good.

9. Whatever and Ever Amen (Ben Folds Five) – This came out when I was living in Chicago.  If BF5′s first album represented my best years, this one represents my worst.  Except that it came out way before I experienced them.  It’s mostly about the lower moments of life.  Loss and debilitating loneliness, failed relationships and even the undeserved sense of entitlement I sometimes feel.  While I am getting better, this one is who I’ve been for a long time.

8. My Aim is True (Elvis Costello) – Oh, Declan MacManus.  Why are you so angry?   I don’t even care.  The way you rage against the waves is more inspired than any golden joy other artists try to sell me. 

7. Madman Across the Water (Elton John) – I was first introduced to Madman by my friend, Jason Buck, who had “Indian Sunset” as part of his song stylin’ repertoire.  I enjoyed “Tiny Dancer” and fell madly in love with “Levon.”  The album itself was actually one of his lowest selling efforts.  It makes me proud to think I found a gem that most people passed over.

6. Small Change (Tom Waitts) – I fucking love “Tom Traubert’s Blues.”  It’s so low and lovely.  And, of course, “The Piano has been Drinking” is like an encyclopedia of clever phrases that I use all the time to seem funny and smart.

5. Little Earthquakes (Tori Amos) – This one is heavy.  Somehow I latched onto to it during the big bummer that was my senior year in high school.  It’s always felt like a ghost in the machine, haunting every cd player I’ve owned.  Amos is not a chick you want to get on the wrong side of.  Not that she’s mean or vengeful.  She’s just a little pixie with something to say.

4. Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars (David Bowie) – Ziggy Stardust represented Bowie’s “I’m a funky, funky alien” period.  It tells a cute little fable of the end of us and the hope we find before then.  But the music is much better than the story it tells.  “Starman” is great, as is “Five Years” and “Moonage Daydream” and… well, pretty much all of it. 

3. Wish You Were Here (Pink Floyd) – Wish You Were Here doesn’t get the trippy love that Dark Side of the Moon or The Wall gets.  And maybe those are better albums.  Wish You Were Here helped me evolve.  I was still listening to Def Leopard and Culture Club and Huey Lewis (yes, I listened to Huey Lewis) when I stumbled onto WYWH.  It made me want to expand my musical experiences.  It opened the door to smarter music.  Music that was about broader life topics than the usual 1980′s… shit.  I owe it a great debt. 

2. OK Computer (Radiohead) – I sort of dismissed Radiohead when they first emerged from the grunge soup.  I liked Pablo Honey and The Bends showed that they could evolve, but I figured that was where it ended.  OK Computer was so vastly different from anything they had done.  I was not really a fan of the electronic rock “thing.”  People kept trying to get me into Portishead, but I would have none of it.  OK Computer changed my mind.  I call it distance music because I used to put it on whenever I started a long journey.  I get so entranced by the music that I don’t seem to notice how far I’ve driven.

1. Abbey Road (The Beatles) – I love every song on Abbey Road.  Well… maybe I occasionally skip past “Octopus’s Garden.”  They manage to be trippy and hard and sentimental and brilliant.  I’ve mentioned before that McCartney is my favorite Beattle.  This is another album where I feel like his stuff is the best.  “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” and “Oh! Darling” and “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” are all great in different ways.  And “Golden Slumbers.”  A minute and thirty-one seconds of sweet sad lullaby.  I don’t think it’s meant to be sad, but it breaks my heart every time.

That’s it.  Stay tuned for my next list.  30 Favorite tv shows ever.

                                                                       20-11

20. The Stranger (Billy Joel) – If “Scenes from an Italian Restaurant” was the only song on this album and it just played over and over, it will still be one of my favorite albums of all time.

19. A Night at the Opera (Queen) – Yeah it has “Bohemian Rhapsody” which is, let’s say a tad over-played, but it also has “The Prophet’s Song” which should have been the single that everybody knows.

18. Weezer/Blue Album (Weezer) – Honestly, I got over “Buddy Holly” after hearing it 4o or 5o times on the radio.  But I LOVE ”My Name is Jonas” and “Undone” and “Say it Ain’t So.” 

17. Ben Folds Five (Ben Folds Five) – This is the soundtrack of my best years.  The 1995-1997 years.  The years that found me making all the right decisions.  I relate to  “Best Imitation of Myself” and “Last Polka” and ”Boxing” are so sad and beautiful.  

16. All Things Must Pass (George Harrison) – “My Sweet Lord” is the steering wheel of the album, but I love “What is Life” and “Wah-Wah.”  It’s a great album and it proved that Harrison was as talented as his more popular Beattle brethren.

15. Blizzard of Ozz (Ozzy Osbourne) – This was one my dad’s favorite albums.  It makes me sad to listen to it.  I think people would be surprised by how moralistic it is.  “Crazy Train” is about the Cold War.  “Suicide Solution” is about recovery from alcoholism.  I particularly love the sadness in “Goodbye to Romance.”

14. Animals (Pink Floyd) – Maybe the best “story album” of all time. 

13. Murmur (REM) – Murmur is a big “just because I love you” gift from GOD.  Here is a brilliant band in their infancy.  And a hint at what they would become.

12. Doolittle (The Pixies) – At one point in my life, I actually knew how to play “Here Comes Your Man” on the guitar.  This was my first introduction to weird.  I had listened to Frank Zappa before, but this was something different.  Something angrier.  A pissed of mutant, throwing love and hate and indifference at anyone who dared to enter the room.

11. Sweet Baby James (James Taylor) – I don’t know how many times I’ve listened to Sweet Baby James.  Anyone who thinks JT is just a kind of folksy, “aw shucks” guy hasn’t listened hard enough.  They should start here.

                                                                         30-21

30. Graceland (Paul Simon) – I haven’t appreciated Paul Simon as much as I should.  He really is a tremendous song writer.  Almost everything he does is gold.  My favorite song on Graceland is “Diamonds on the Soles of her Shoes.”

29. Eldorado (ELO) – I was raised on Electric Light Orchestra.  On the Third Day might be a better album, but I love more songs from Eldorado.  “Laredo Tornado” is definitely one of my favorites.  It’s one of those under-heard songs that I would like to put on a soundtrack if I ever make a movie.

28. Aqualung (Jethro Tull) – I once asked a friend of mine what he thought of Jethro Tull.  He said, “Isn’t that the rock group where the lead singer dances around with a flute?”  He made it sound like Jethro Tull came straight from a Renaissance fair.  Yes, Ian Anderson dances around with a flute, but they are more than that.  Aqualung dealt heavily with the concept of God and religion and differences between the two.  That spoke very loudly to me.  Rather that explain how I feel about organized religion and what it does to people’s relationship with God, I could just put on this cd.

27. Fight for Your Mind (Ben Harper) – A friend of mine, Dustin Stovall, first introduced this to me.  Before that, I knew Ben Harper as the “Always Have to Steal My Kisses from You” guy.  I didn’t really like that song.  But Fight For Your Mind is great.  It ranges from political stuff to religious messages to dainty little numbers about the joy of pot.  Really good stuff.

26. Hunky Dory (David Bowie) – “Oh, You Pretty Things” is a great song.  And, of course, “Life on Mars” is superb.  I can relate to it.  It’s like reading the observations of human life from some kind of alien notebook.  I feel like that sometimes. 

25. Revolver (The Beatles) – I love “And Your Bird Can Sing” and “Tomorrow Never Knows” but it’s “Eleanor Rigby” that does it for me every time. 

24. Document (REM) – I remember listening to Document on my Walkman while walking to school everyday in Junior High.  I would yell out the scream of consciousness bit from “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” as loud as I could and people thought I was a freak.  I knew, no matter how shitty the rest of the day was (and I had A LOT of shitty days in Junior High) the morning always started well.

23. Kid A (Radiohead) – The day this came out, I was living in Kansas City.  I was working on a musical that I helped create.  It wasn’t going well.  The work itself wasn’t my finest piece of artistic badassity and everyone knew it.  Kid A simultaneously inspired me and bummed me out.  I appreciate how good it was and was glad that someone was making something SO GOOD.  I was just pissed that it wasn’t me.

22. Magical Mystery Tour (The Beatles) – MMT kind of gets lost in the shuffle of The Beatles works.  I think it’s usually disregarded.  That’s a shame.  I won’t go over every song, but if you have the chance, just look at the collection on it.  Great, great music.  I particularly love “Baby You’re a Rich Man.”

21. A Ghost is Born (Wilco) – I really like Wilco and I don’t listen to them enough.  This one is my favorite though.  I’ve been able to download “Hummingbird” into my brain so that, when I need a quick moment of joy, it’s right there.

                                                                    40-31

40. Astral Weeks (Van Morrison) – I don’t sleep well.  I had a real low period near the end of high school and haven’t managed a full nights sleep since then.  The only exception was one rainy summer day several years ago.  I was staying at this house that had a tin roof.  The sound of the rain on tin made it seem like I was in a loud, beautiful snow globe.  Or rain globe.  I settled down on the floor, put on some headphones, and turned on Astral Weeks.  Those elements, Van Morrison’s haunting Irish voice and the vibration of hard rain, put me in a state of relaxation that I had never experienced.  I woke up 9 hours later. 

39. Mellow Gold (Beck) – Of course Mellow Gold has “Loser” on it.  They over-played it, but I still always found the song amusing when I was 19.  Now it takes me back to that time.  “Pay No Mind” is a great driving around song as is most of the album.  It’s a great collection of songs for someone who doesn’t know what they are supposed to do next with their life. 

38. Billion Dollar Babies (Alice Cooper) – My father was a roadie for Alice Cooper before he settled down and had a family.  It’s true.  Like many people, he liked to relive his days of freedom.  That meant there was a lot of Alice Cooper playing in the house.  People tend to think of Cooper as just a shock guy.  But he was more clever than that.  The songs are a weird assortment of anthems and perverse desires.

37. Ritual de lo Habitual (Jane’s Addiction) – Ritual represents my early high school years.  I was trying to grow up and was reaching for anything that would help.  I latched on this album.  Some of my older friends were really into it and that became my way of absorbing myself into that world.

36. 1999 (Prince) – Say what you will about his Royal Purpleness.  And there is a lot to be said.  He did kind of go off the rails with the Jesus stuff.  He can be a bit of a douche with his music.  But 1999 is badass.  ”Little Red Corvette” is one of my favorite songs of all time. 

35. Let it Bleed (Rolling Stones) – The best of the Rolling Stones.  It’s essentially a bunch of rock songs drowning in sad, angry blues. 

34. Disintegration (The Cure) – Oof.  It is said that Robert Smith wrote all the songs on Disintegration as a reaction to the depression he felt for turning 30.  He felt like he hadn’t accomplished, artistically, what he hoped for and wanted to make something great before he peaked.  That gives me hope.  If any of us can create something half as good as Disintegration because of our fears and anxieties of being left behind, there could be a lot of great art in the world. 

33. Let it Be (The Beatles) -  Let it Be is sad.  The breakup of the Beatles is right there in the songs.  It ranges from looking back on relationships, “Two of Us, ” to the saying goodbye before one knows that the other is leaving, “The Long and Winding Road.”  They were done after that.  It shatters the heart.

32. Sea Change (Beck) – This could easily be called “Beck Hanson Grows Up and Bums Out.”  Beck has always been an extremely gifted songwriter.  But this was the first album that showed that he was a man of massive depth. 

31. Armed Forces (Elvis Costello) – Oh man, do I love this one.  It covers all kinds of tangled frustrations.  “Accidents will Happen” is a personal favorite as is “Oliver’s Army.”

                                                                  50-41

50. Songs of Love and Hate (Leonard Cohen) – It’s a fairly dreary album, and yet, it’s been known to get me through many of my “little black rain cloud” moments.  I particularly love ”Avalanche” and “Love Calls you by your Name.”

49. Violator (Depeche Mode) – Come on.  “Personal Jesus.”  “Enjoy the Silence.”  Great stuff.  I also really like “Sweetest Perfection” and “Waiting for the Night.”

48. The Crow (The Soundtrack) – This was sort of the soundtrack of my summer of 1994.  It seems like every time I drove around with friends, this was in the cd player.  It has some great STP and The Cure and Joy Division songs.  “Big Empty” was the big song from the soundtrack though I love “Burn” more.

47.  Joshua Tree (U2) – Here’s a weird thing.  When I think of this album, I think of mowing the lawn.  That was one of my chores as a child.  I actually enjoyed it.  I would hook into a Walkman and kind of lose myself in the back and forth patterns of various yards.  Joshua Tree was one of those albums I would use to stay in the trance.  Even today, when I hear “Where the Streets Have No Name” I can smell freshly cut grass.

46. Ten (Pearl Jam) – This one, along with Nevermind, signaled the moment where my generation got serious.  OK, it’s not technically my generation.  Apparently Gen X is a couple of years older than me, but I was in high school when everything started shifting.  High school is the time when you start defining who you are.  Pearl Jam came up with a great soundtrack for those changes and choices.

45. Captain Fantastic… (Elton John) – I love “Someone Saved My Life Tonight.”  I think it’s one of the best pop songs ever.  And I have no idea what the lyrics mean.  They are clearly personal to John or Bernie Taupin.  I think a lot of them are dirty.  That is awesome.

44. Velvet Underground and Nico (Velvet Underground and Nico) – And speaking of dirty.  This entire album is sketchy.  It’s about all kinds of deep pockets of debauchery.  It’s also superb in its ability to show me what it was like to be a heroin addict in the 60s.

43. AEnima (Tool) – I really like Tool.  I’ve never been much of a hard metal kind of guy.  Yeah, Tool is hardcore.  But they are also mucho artsy.  AEnima is about the philosophies of comedian, Bill Hicks, another one of my favorite performers.  Tool proved that you could have something to say that wasn’t just angry or despondent.  Good and forward things can come out of that which we struggle with. 

42. Heart of Saturday Night (Tom Waitts) – Tom Waitts.  Holy shit.  There isn’t a weak song in there. 

41. Sgt Pepper (The Beatles) – People give Paul McCartney a hard time.  They say that Lennon was the artist, Harrison was the real talent, Ringo was… the drummer, and McCartney was the one who pushed them into the mainstream.  That he helped build the hype and hysteria and sold out in the process.  I disagree with that.  I think he was the one who saw what the Beatles were.  What they were capable of.  The rest of them wanted to make great music.  He wanted to change the game completely.  Sgt Pepper is a good example of that.  It wasn’t just a bunch of great songs.  It was a strange and lovely musical story.  And that was because of Paul McCartney.

It started about a week ago.  I was awake at 1AM.  Panicked.  Troubled.  There was dread.  Oh, there was dread.  I couldn’t shut my mind to the battalions of financial and existential problems facing me.  It always happens around this time every year.  I think my personal dread gets lazy during the warm months, but then, is revived by the first cool breath of winter.  So it was all in front of me like a jigsaw puzzle.  And I don’t know how it happened, but I put it together.  I saw what was in front of me and I knew how to fix it.  First there was the financial quandary.  There is no short way to fix it.  My boat rests in an ocean of debt.  What I was able to do was adjust some of my debts so that the more immediate ones jumped the line.  I know that seems like an obvious thing, but most people who are owed money think that they are the first and only priority to the people who owe them.  Sometimes you have to raise your fist (and often your middle finger) and say, “Not today, fucker.”  That is what I did.  And yes, I understand that that doesn’t solve the problem.  It just postpones it.  This WILL come back to bite me in the ass.  I know that.  But not today… fucker.  Maybe by then, I’ll have another puzzle finished.  I hope it has puppies.

So once I got around the money lameness, I moved on to my existential crisis.  I’m only a little ashamed to admit that I attach my happiness to things.  People and places and moments and, yes, sweet material possessions.  I get that joy can come from the deepest, warmest, fuzziest part of your soul and once you hold onto that, then you can accomplish anything and blah blah blah.  Give me stuff.  Stuff I can see and listen to and hug and experience.  When I came out the other side of my lost years (2003-2006) I had nothing.  I moved here with no car and very little money saved.  I probably could have gotten both if the decision to move here hadn’t had a lifespan of weeks from thought to action.  I was on foot for the first year.  I flirted with cable.  Had a couple of summer romances with internet.  But I have free access to both at my job, so I get twitchy about paying for it.  This week has made me really miss that stuff.  I feel shitty saying it, but those things make me feel like a person.  The other things, the people and experiences make me feel like a person of worth.  But first I’d like to feel like I belong in the world.  Back to what I was saying.  My sister, Anna, and her husband have been away for a week and she asked me to house sit.  I was thrilled.  I get to spend some time in a place with those real things.  I get to watch tv shows without having to wait for them to come on dvd.  I get to hang out in a neighborhood where there’s very little stabbing.  Or, at least they don’t advertise it.  It’s been like having sample plate of a better life.  It’s given me a real focus.  I suppose that’s the good thing about being a person who likes stuff.  Having it in front of you without owning it puts your wants and needs into perspective.  I’ve busted my ass this week getting myself ready for a transformation that will last.  I got a new phone, a new bank account, some little things that I’ve wanted for a while.  I paid a few bills early.  And it helped my view of things.  Yes I am less excited about my job or my dumb little apartment in this dumb town, but I walk right past that shit.  I do the things I have to do until I don’t have to do them.  There is an open door out there somewhere.  Or a series of open doors.  Time to start walking through them.

Here is my recent dilemma.  I have a neighbor.  I have rarely had problems with him.  He’s a drunk and occasionally has many, many people over.  But he is mostly quiet.  And that is all I ask.  Quiet.  Most people who have entered my Blogland know by now that I have noise issues.  (Mental note: look into “entered my Blogland” as possible sexual euphemism.)  So, yeah, he’s a quiet.  But he’s a smoker.  A chimney.  He walks in the building with his funk, leaves a trail of it up the stairs, and finally stands outside our apartments where it settles into a gnarley patch of space right in front of my apartment.  Again, I don’t want to be an asshole about it, so here is the passive-aggressive thing I do.  I go in to my apartment.  Then I carefully open my door back up and spray Febreeze all around the area.  Dickish?  Probably.  But it works for me.  Well, I assumed, because he’s a drunk, that he’s an idiot.  He is not.  He figured out my little game real quick.  And he called me out on it.  He started ranting about how I don’t need to be “correcting his behavior.”  I told him I was simply trying to make the area I have to walk through smell better.  I guess it would be like if I saw a chalkboard that had 2 + 2 = 7 written on it and I erased the 7 and put 4.  This guys beef is that he has lived with 7 as the answer all his life and he doesn’t need some twitchy lung breather showing him different. 

So… that’s a thing I have to deal with now.